Another Month, Another Week of Feeling PREGNANT

Hope everyone had a great Christmas! I know I did. My boys spoiled me rotten. :)

Best part about this week? Feeling super pregnant. Go figure. Happens about once a month and drives me crazy. It's actually the thing that FINALLY got docs looking for a PCOS diagnosis. "You mean you feel pregnant every month and you don't get a period? Huh."

Symptoms? Breast tenderness, bloating, tight feeling in stomach when stretching or turning(like the muscles are working), weird appetite, etc. And, of course, this is never followed by a period since I don't get them. At first I'd run to the drugstore for a pregnancy test and get my hopes up, only to have them crushed every time I saw that BFN. Now? I know better. Chances are I will started showing before I ever find out I'm actually pregnant since I'm so accustomed to these symptoms. 

So, today,  I'm doing my best not to dwell on the fact that what I'm feeling is just a side effect. Bleh.

"3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too"

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Homesick

I. Am. SO. Homesick.

I miss Georgia. I miss my friends. I miss my Mom. I miss golf carts. I miss the heat. I miss Waffle House. I miss the humidity. I miss the trees and the people and country music and the Bulldog fans and everything about Georgia. Visiting just makes it worse. 

Most of the time I'm fine, and by now I've gotten used to the moving around. But today isn't one of those days. Mix in a little unstable emotions and stress, some pictures on FB of your friends having fun without you and moving on with their lives, and you have yourself one heck of a tear fest. (That's what the hubby calls them ;P)

I'm a long-term kind of person. Long-term friendships are my thing. It's hard to make them when you move every two years and even harder to maintain them when you leave. Sometimes I think it's easier to avoid making friends, but have learned that nowhere you go will feel like home if you don't let yourself connect with the people and the town. It's sort of a catch-22. 

Anyone else feel this way?

Babies EVERYWHERE.

Many of you may not  know this, but I manage a consignment boutique. I love my job; it's amazing! But I have to say... seeing all these babies and pregnant women day after day is getting to me. And the baby clothes! OMG. Baby stuff everywhere! I love the kids that come in, they're so cute, and the pregnant women are so excited it's hard not to be excited with them. 

But it's hard. 

I feel like the world's laughing at me and continuously tapping me on the shoulder saying, "Haha! You wish!"

The other day I found myself Googling maternity clothes online and daydreaming about what I'd look like in them.

Last night I had a dream that friend after friend was getting pregnant and I went on a crazy rampage cursing everyone and everything.

I don't know. Today was just a hard day I guess. Tomorrow I might be fine, and Friday I could get pregnant.

I think that's the hardest part of this PCOS nonsense. The unknown. Not having a clue if it will take me 6 months to get pregnant or 6 years.

“It never ceases to amaze me when God wants to take someone to the next level in their life and they let fear of the unknown rob them of tremendous blessings. I think there are two common problems with Christians- They are scared to death of being truly free and of God's overwhelming love.” 
― R. Alan Woods, The Journey Is the Destination: A Book of Quotes With Commentaries

That's all I've got today. I have nothing else to say.

A Week of Lessons

This week I've learned some valuable things:

1. EAT BEFORE YOU TAKE A DANG PRENATAL. Holy guacamole omg. It took me three days to figure this out. I thought I was just having sever hunger pains... until I threw up. Yup.

2. I EAT LIKE CRAP. I recently started using the "S Health" app on my Galaxy S4 to help me keep track of what I'm eating, and it helps keep track of how many calories you are consuming per day. I'm not necessarily counting calories, just trying to hold myself accountable. The app is great! It forces me to stare my eating habits in the face. No denial here! I can't believe it took me 6 months to try it out! (Yes that is Wendy's don't judge me.)

3. CHANGING YOUR DIET AND LIFESTYLE IS NOT AN OVERNIGHT THING. Baby steps.(baby steps for a baby!) I have crashed and burned for a week straight. At the end of the week, though, I noticed I'd lost a couple pounds. WHAT! Baby steps. They pay off!

 < Hehe...

4. I AM SURROUNDED BY HEALTH ENCYCLOPEDIAS! I swear, I am so blessed. I do NOT have to look far for answers. I have the most amazing friends and family who literally seem to know everything about everything. I LOVE IT!

   

 <It's true!

5. Last and most importantly, GOD IS GOOD. He has provided me comfort and consolation through the people who care about me. He shows me every day that He is sovereign and that His will and plan are greater than mine.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Good week. :)

Diet? NO.

I'm feeling good today! So good, in fact, that I decided today would be a great day to start my low-carb diet! 

I started out with a cliff bar for breakfast, which was soon followed by two pieces of pumpkin bread. Noooooot a good start. Got worse though! YaY! By 3:30 just the idea of going low-carb had me craving carbs SO BADLY that I ended up with a Whopper Meal.

Needless to say... FAIL. I am looking forward to grocery shopping this weekend so I can stock my house with yummy, low-carb foods that will dull the cravings. Also excited to put to good use all the awesome diet literature given to me by friends and family to good use. Love you guys!

I will end this failblog with a win! The prenatal's that my doc gave me are helping a lot with providing the energy PCOS so rudely deprives me of. I am really happy about that. :)

PCOS SUCKS.

I totally knew I had PCOS. I KNEW I had fertility issues. It took 6 years to convince doctors to look into it. I knew what to expect. I finally feel validated. But I do NOT feel better. I feel worse. It's real now and I'm devastated. I could honestly care less about all the stories of women and their miracle babies and how they beat the odds! Woo hoo! Good for you! My body. Different story. 

Now, don't get me wrong. Those are wonderful stories and I am happy for them. But there are stories everywhere about women who haven't beaten the odds. Failed IVF treatments. One after the other. Year after year. The unknown sucks. I don't know which one I'll be. My body. Different story.

Some of the worst things I've dealt with besides the obvious fertility issue, is the acne and hair growth. It's wildly embarrassing. I remember hiding from the world days at a time because I didn't want people to see my face. I can't tell you how many times I've stood in front of a mirror desperately trying to cover up the cystic acne while crying and cursing my makeup for not having magical powers. I am constantly plucking course hairs off my chin and upper lip and praying I'm not somehow turning into a man. 

I have been mostly controlling the acne with spironolactone. It helps block the androgens that cause the acne and hair growth. It's done a great job and I've been happy with it. Today I flushed it all down the toilet because my gyno said it is dangerous when trying to conceive. I know it will come back and I'll return to yelling at my face in the mirror. Woop. Should I be this concerned about something so superficial? Probably not.

I feel like my womanhood has been ripped from me. I recently told my husband it's similar to what a man would feel like without testicles. I don't feel whole. I am sure this feeling will go away in time. This is a fresh wound and it will get better. I will work on being a big girl tomorrow. Today I feel weak.