PCOS SUCKS.

I totally knew I had PCOS. I KNEW I had fertility issues. It took 6 years to convince doctors to look into it. I knew what to expect. I finally feel validated. But I do NOT feel better. I feel worse. It's real now and I'm devastated. I could honestly care less about all the stories of women and their miracle babies and how they beat the odds! Woo hoo! Good for you! My body. Different story. 

Now, don't get me wrong. Those are wonderful stories and I am happy for them. But there are stories everywhere about women who haven't beaten the odds. Failed IVF treatments. One after the other. Year after year. The unknown sucks. I don't know which one I'll be. My body. Different story.

Some of the worst things I've dealt with besides the obvious fertility issue, is the acne and hair growth. It's wildly embarrassing. I remember hiding from the world days at a time because I didn't want people to see my face. I can't tell you how many times I've stood in front of a mirror desperately trying to cover up the cystic acne while crying and cursing my makeup for not having magical powers. I am constantly plucking course hairs off my chin and upper lip and praying I'm not somehow turning into a man. 

I have been mostly controlling the acne with spironolactone. It helps block the androgens that cause the acne and hair growth. It's done a great job and I've been happy with it. Today I flushed it all down the toilet because my gyno said it is dangerous when trying to conceive. I know it will come back and I'll return to yelling at my face in the mirror. Woop. Should I be this concerned about something so superficial? Probably not.

I feel like my womanhood has been ripped from me. I recently told my husband it's similar to what a man would feel like without testicles. I don't feel whole. I am sure this feeling will go away in time. This is a fresh wound and it will get better. I will work on being a big girl tomorrow. Today I feel weak.